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TWO WOMEN WERE PLAYING GOLF... One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?  Feels great, he replied; but I still think my thumb's broken!

17TH AT SAWGRASS...

A golfer, now into his golden years, had a lifelong ambition to play the 17th hole at TPC Sawgrass in Ponte Verde, Fla., exactly the way the pros do it. The pros drive the ball out over the water onto the small green that is on a small spit of land. It was something the golfer had tried hundreds of times without success. His ball had always fallen short, into the water.
Because of this, he never used a new ball on this particular hole. He always picked out one that had a cut or a nick, as did many other "average" golfers when negotiating very challenging holes. Recently he went to Sawgrass to try again. When he came to the fateful hole, he teed up an old, cut ball as usual, and said a silent prayer. However, before he could hit the ball, a powerful voice from above seemed to be booming out from the clouds, saying: "Wait! Replace that old ball with a brand new one." The golfer complied, with some slight misgivings, despite the fact that this same force seemed to be implying that he was going to finally achieve his lifelong ambition. As he stepped up to the tee once more, the voice came down again:  "Wait. Step back. Take a practice swing." So he stepped back and took a practice swing, certain now that this heavenly force was going to make his dream come true. The voice boomed out again:  "Take another practice swing." Dutifully, he did. He stopped expectantly and waited .. A long silence followed ... Then the voice again:  "Use the old ball."

A priest and a nun are out playing golf; on the 14th hole the priest misses a 2 foot putt and utters a small curse under his breadth. The nun looks up and crosses herself. Then on the 16th hole, the priest skulls his pitch shot, flies the green and puts his ball into the adjoining creek. Now he's starting to lose his cool and shouts out 4 or 5 choice curses. The nun gives the priest a stern look and says, "Father God will strike you down for that, please curb your tongue. Remember not every one is perfect. A few misses here or there will always happen." Finally on the last hole, the priest completely shanks one into the deep weeds. While he's stomping around the weeds and falling into mud holes he starts ranting & raving and filling the area with curse words and blasphemy.  Suddenly the sky darkens, dark clouds boil over, a bolt of lightning shoots out and slams into the nun, knocking her down and completely out. Then an apologetic voice issues from the clouds, "Oops, missed that one".

Three bad golfers were teeing off when they saw a pro walk by.
One guy yelled out, "Hey, pro, you want to join us?"
The pro figured he didn't have anything else to do, so he got his clubs and joined them. The first guy walked up to the tee box and hit. The ball landed on another fairway.
The guy turns around and asks the pro, "What did I do wrong?"
The pro looks at him and says "LOFT." The guy pretends to understand this and put his club back in his bag.
The next guy walks up to the tee box and hits. The ball slices into the parking lot. The guy asks what he did wrong.
The pro again says "LOFT."
The last guy walks up and hits. The ball goes five feet off the tee box. The pro says "LOFT."
The first guy walks up to the pro and asks, "What does LOFT mean if everybody sucks?
The pro says, "You all suffer from Lack Of Freakin Talent."

Off the seventh tee, Brian sliced his shot deep into a wooded ravine. He took his eight iron and clambered down the embankment in search of his lost ball.  After many long minutes of hacking at the underbrush, he spotted something glistening in the leaves. As he drew nearer, he discovered that it was an eight iron in hands of a skeleton!  Joe immediately called out to his friend, "Jack, I've got trouble down here!"  "What's the matter?" Jack asked from the edge of the ravine.  "Bring me my wedge," Brian shouted. "You can't get out of here with an eight iron!"

Two best friends are playing golf one day when one friend putts to about 3 feet he looks at his friend and says you gonna make me putt that? His friend says yeah it's just outside the circle of friendship! A couple of holes later the other friend putts to about 2 feet and he looks at his friend and says is that good? His friend replies well it ain't bad! Paybacks are rapid when it comes to golf.
 

A NEW "THE USEFUL GOLF BOOK"...
It includes the following chapters:
1.  How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt
2.  How to Hit a Nike From the Rough When You Hit a Titleist Off The Tee
3.  How to Get More Distance Off the Shank
4.  When to Give the Ranger the Finger
5.  Using Your Shadow on the Greens to Maximize Earnings
6.  How to Rationalize a 6 Hour Round
7.  How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go in the Water
8.  Why Your Wife Doesn't Care That You Birdied the 5th
9.  How to Let a Foursome Play Through Your Twosome Without Getting Embarrassed
10.  How to Relax When You Are Hitting Three Off the Tee
11.  When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponent

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, ....go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2004 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$60,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing....the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I! 'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?

A foursome of ladies came back after a round of golf. At the 19th hole in the Clubhouse, the Pro asked them "How did your game go?" The first said she had a good round with 25 riders. The second said she did OK with 16 riders. The third said not too bad since I had 10 riders. The fourth was disappointed and said that she played badly with only two riders.
The Pro was confounded by this term "rider" but not wanting to show his ignorance just smiled and wish them better golf the next time. He then approached Jerry the bartender and asked "Jerry, can you tell me what does this term 'riders' mean?" Jerry smiled and explained that a "rider" is when you have hit a shot long enough to take a ride on a golf cart.

Two golfers were sitting at the 19th hole discussing their games this year when one says to the other,   " My game is so bad this year I had to have my ball retriever regripped !"

You know you’re a bad golfer if…
You consider a good round one in which you lost only half-a-dozen balls.
More than once, you have attempted to return a club because "somehow it snapped."
You have old, gnarly golf balls in your bag specifically to be used for over water shots.
You "prefer" to hit an iron off every tee.
When playing in a club tournament, you get a stroke on EVERY hole.
You can remember the one good shot you had all day.
You are told "you’re still away" more than twice on the same green.
You "crush every shot" at the practice range but can’t get one more than 10 feet off the ground on the course.
You and your group have rules for taking Mulligans.
You have two putters in your bag.
Your playing partners use the term "nice lag" to describe your putts that never reach the hole.
You blame everything and everyone except yourself for a bad shot.
You get excited over a deep ball mark created in the green by your approach shot.
You feel an undue amount of pressure when teeing off with people watching and always end up hitting a bad shot.
You constantly leave yourself further from the hole after a chip shot.
You have thought to yourself that if you hole out from 140 yards, you can still make bogey.

One fine day, Jim and Bob are out golfing. Jim slices his ball deep  into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball.  The brush is quite thick, but Jim searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.  Jim calls out to his golfing partner in excitement, "Hey Bob, come here, I got trouble down here."  Bob comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out, "What's the matter Jim?"  Jim shouts back in a nervous voice, "Throw me my 7-iron! You can't get out of here with an 8-iron."

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A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par-3 the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole my son?"  The young man says, "An 8-iron, father. How about you?"  The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."  The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards. The young man says, "I don't know about you father, but in my church when we pray, we keep our head down."
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An American went to Scotland and played golf with a newly acquainted Scottish golfer. After a bad tee shot, he played a "Mulligan" which was an extremely good one. He then asked the Scot, "What do you call a Mulligan in Scotland?"  "We call it hitting 3."
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Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man. The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"  "Yes" says the woman.  "Did you hit him with that golf club?" "Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on her face.  "How many times did you hit him?"  "I don't know, five, six, maybe seven times.....just put me down for a five.

 A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is published. The obit editor informs her that there is a charge of 50 cents per word. She pauses, reflects, and then says well, then, let it read "Bob Smith died."  Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor tells her that there is a seven word minimum for all obituaries.  She thinks it over and in a few seconds says, in that case, let it read:  "Bob Smith died. Golf clubs for sale."

A golfer set up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through. Taking out his 3 wood, he took another mighty swing, the ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.  As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter saw him coming and asked, "Are you a good golfer?" to which the man replied, "Got here in two, didn't I?"

GOLF THOUGHTS

I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes they'd come up sliced. ~Author Unknown

I've spent most of my life golfing .... the rest I've just wasted. ~Author Unknown

They call it golf because all the other four-letter words were taken.~Raymond Floyd

My handicap? Woods and irons. ~Chris Codiroli

The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would put a flag stick on top. ~Pete Dye

Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun. ~Jim Bishop

I'm hitting the woods just great .... but having a terrible time getting out of them! ~Author Unknown

I know I am getting better at golf because I'm hitting fewer spectators. ~Gerald Ford

It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course. ~Hank Aaron

Golf is a game in which you yell "fore," shoot six,and write down five. ~Paul Harvey

The game of golf would lose a great deal if croquet mallets and billiard cues were allowed on the putting green. ~Ernest Hemingway

Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air. ~Jack Benny

Have you ever noticed what golf spells backwards?~Al Boliska

The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course. ~Billy Graham

Reverse every natural instinct and do the opposite of what you are inclined to do, and you will probably come very close to having a perfect golf swing. ~Ben Hogan

Go play golf. Go to the golf course. Hit the ball. Find the ball. Repeat until the ball is in the hole. Have fun. The end. ~Chuck Hogan

If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball. ~Jack Lemmon

I play in the low 80s. If it's any hotter than that, I won't play.~Joe E. Lewis

It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling. ~Mark Twain

Don't play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty. ~Harry Vardon

Golf is a game in which one endeavors to control a ball with implements ill adapted for the purpose. ~Woodrow Wilson

A golfer's diet: live on greens as much as possible.~Author Unknown

Gone golfin' ... be back dark thirty. ~Author Unknown

Born to golf. Forced to work. ~Author Unknown

My body is here, but my mind has already teed off.~Author Unknown

Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~Jimmy DeMaret

May thy ball lie in green pastures .... and not in still waters.~Author Unknown

If I hit it right, it's a slice. If I hit it left, it's a hook. If I hit it straight, it's a miracle. ~Author Unknown

The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie. ~George Deukmejian

Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe. ~Author Unknown

DAVE STOCKTON, complaining of the difficulty of playing Poppy Hills Golf Course in Pebble Beach, California, was heard to say, "Even the men's room has a double dogleg."

The Bum

A bum, who obviously has seen more than his share of hard times approaches a well dressed gentleman on the street. "Hey, buddy, can you spare two dollars?"

The well-dressed gentleman responds: "You are not going to spend it on liquor are you?"
"No, sir, I don't drink," retorts the bum.

"You are not going to throw it away in some card game, are you?" asks the gentleman.
"No way, I don't gamble," answers the bum.

"You wouldn't waste the money at a golf course for greens fees, would you?" asks the man.
"Never," says the bum, "I don't play golf."

The man asks the bum if he would like to come home with him for a home cooked meal.

The bum accepts eagerly. While they are heading for the man's house, the bum's curiosity gets the better of him. "Isn't your wife going to be angry when she sees a guy like me at your table?"

"Probably," says the man, "but it will be worth it.  I want her to see what happens to a guy who doesn't drink, gamble or play golf."

Rick Reilly on golf...

You know what I'm sick of? Preposition golf. I'm talking about all these courses with prepositions in their names -- The Experience at Marina Meadows, or The Challenge at the Peaks of Del Frisco. And the more e's in the name, the more it costs you.

Play a round at The Linkes at Olde Harbour Centre, and you're in for $200, easy. As if the names have anything to do with the courses. "Have you gents ever enjoyed The Tradition at Elk Crossing before?" the phony-grinned "director of golf" will ask you while he's dinging your AmEx for $175. "No, pal, we haven't," you want to say. "And I'll bet a week's pay we don't enjoy any elk out there, either. Unless the Wal-Mart next door sent them over."

I just wish they'd call some of these courses what they really are. The Lakes at the Landfill. The Fumes of Toxic Acres. VISA Experience at Overmowed Pasture. It's all so precious. You drive up to a Preposition, and 12 guys in matching plus fours descend on your car like Bombay street urchins, whisking your bag out of your trunk before you can get your shoes out. Next time you see the bag, it's got a pewter tag that's slightly larger than an oxen yoke and can't be removed with an acetylene torch.

You get in a cart that's complete with a water mister, mango-scented towels, personal rake, Italian ball-marking coins, global positioning system and a video on which Arnold Palmer suddenly pops up, saying, "On this hole you'll want to hit a 220-yard high fade over the pond, but be sure to get it on the fourth level to give yourself a chance at a birdie." Yeah, Arnie, like if I hit a 220-yard shot over agua, I'm going to be pissed I'm not on the right green level.

But you don't get to play golf yet. First comes the 20-minute lecture from a "course host," who used to be just a marshal before Conglommo Golf bought the joint and started throwing prepositions around. He's always in plus fours and a headset and thinks he's Barney Fife. "Gentlemen, here at Bent Pine Ridge at Pelican Sanctuary we have some very strict guidelines for you to follow."

One is, Don't even think about taking the carts off the cement path, because if you do, you will be shot by one of the course hosts. Which is another way of saying, "Enjoy your six-hour round, folks."

Then out comes another Plus Four who takes pictures of your group and will have them all laid out for you in a leatherette album when you make the turn. It'll be only $45 a photo, and why not have your first divot framed, too? You want to scream, "We really just want to play golf, not buy time shares in the Swiss Alps!"

Every now and then the "mobile refreshment center" will drive up, and you'll have to pay $6 for a single "malted beverage," and the "mobile refreshment hostess" will look like you shot her kitten if she doesn't get to keep the $4 change.

The malted beverage will make you have to visit one of the "comfort stations" that are usually miles from the nearest "teeing ground." And there aren't just three teeing grounds anymore, there are six, so that the average chop feels like a florist if he doesn't play from the "bronze" tees, even though the course plays 2,000 yards longer than he can "enjoy."

Every tee shot is a 230-yard carry over absolutely off-limits "native grasslands," which means even if you see your $6 Titleist sitting in there, you can't step three feet in to get the ball. If you had this kind of native grasslands in your front yard, the neighbors would be leaving notes wondering if you'd like to borrow their Weed Whacker.

The front nine is longer than the March of Dimes, and at the turn a Martha Stewart picnic breaks out, in which you end up with an arugula sandwich, a bag of organic beet chips and a $4 iced tea in a bottle designed by I.M. Pei.

And you always end up shooting a radio station -- a KOOL 105 or a WAVE 102 -- and lose four sleeves and have to tip $5 to each of the plus-four urchins who clean your clubs, which only hacks you off worse because you know you never hit any of your freaking shots on the club face anyway.

As you leave, it's everything you can do to keep from flooring your 1984 Taurus through the wooden security arm, across the 2nd and 11th fairways, spinning doughnuts on the 18th green and racing past the director of golf, screaming, "Enjoy that!"

Issue date: June 24, 2002
 

Taking Aim

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up,
looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and
speed... driving his partner nuts.

Finally his exasperated partner says, 'What the hell is taking so long?

Hit the damned ball!'

The guy answers, 'My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse.
I want to make this a perfect shot.'

'Give me a break! You don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting
her from here.'

A fellow goes into a golf shop in Scotland where he sees a number of unique clubhead covers, the most unusual one designed to look like the head of a rat. He takes it to the shop owner and asks how much.

"Well, laddy," the old gent replies, "the clubhead cover'll be ten dollars American, but for a thousand more you get to hear the grand story behind it."

"Here's the ten," the man replies. "I'll take the cover, you can keep the story."

The next day, on the links of St. Andrews, the man is walking down a fairway beside a road. Suddenly, several rats scurry out of the sewers and start to follow him. He begins to run, but rats keep appearing from everywhere, from the sewers and from the fairway creek.

He is almost exhausted and is totally out of breath when he reaches the cliffs overlooking the sea. Intuitively, he rips the clubhead cover from his driver and heaves it into the sea. The rats follow it into the water where
they drown in the foamy brine.

Upon leaving the course, the man returns immediately to the little golf shop.  The old Scotsman sees him and with a sly smile says, "Aye laddy, and I'd be suspectin' that you came back for the story, eh?"

"Well actually," the man replies, "I was hoping you had a clubhead cover shaped like an attorney."
 

A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatsoever of the game.

The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green."

The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole.

"Now what?" the fellow asked the speechless pro.

"Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup," the pro finally managed to speak.

"Oh great!" said the beginner in a disgusted tone, "NOW you tell me."

TOP TEN CADDY COMMENTS

#10 Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
 Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

#9 Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
 Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

#8 Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
 Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

#7 Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
 Caddy: "Eventually."

#6 Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
 Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

#5 Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

#4 Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
 Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

#3 Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"
 Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."

#2 Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
 Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

#1 Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
 Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

SIGN POSTED AT LOCAL GOLF COURSE:

1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.
2. FORM A LOSE GRIP
3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN
4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING
5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER
6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE
7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, PLEASE LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.
8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS
9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING TO GO
10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES

 VERY GOOD. NOW FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF

The Laws Of Golf

LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.

LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.

LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.

LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.

LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.

LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.

LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.

LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.

LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.

LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?

LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.

LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.

LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.

LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law three).

LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.

LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."

LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.

LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.

LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.

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