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Golf Humor
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A NEW "THE USEFUL GOLF BOOK"...
It includes the following chapters:
1. How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt
2. How to Hit a Nike From the Rough When You Hit a Titleist Off The Tee
3. How to Get More Distance Off the Shank
4. When to Give the Ranger the Finger
5. Using Your Shadow on the Greens to Maximize Earnings
6. How to Rationalize a 6 Hour Round
7. How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go in the Water
8. Why Your Wife Doesn't Care That You Birdied the 5th
9. How to Let a Foursome Play Through Your Twosome Without Getting
Embarrassed
10. How to Relax When You Are Hitting Three Off the Tee
11. When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponent
Several men
are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings
and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's
only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, ....go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2004
models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$60,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing....the house we wanted last year is
back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer
$900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I! 'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in
astonishment.
Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?
A foursome of ladies came back after a
round of golf. At the 19th hole in the Clubhouse, the Pro asked them "How
did your game go?" The first said she had a good round with 25 riders. The
second said she did OK with 16 riders. The third said not too bad since I
had 10 riders. The fourth was disappointed and said that she played badly
with only two riders.
The Pro was confounded by this term "rider" but not wanting to show his
ignorance just smiled and wish them better golf the next time. He then
approached Jerry the bartender and asked "Jerry, can you tell me what does
this term 'riders' mean?" Jerry smiled and explained that a "rider" is
when you have hit a shot long enough to take a ride on a golf cart.
Two golfers were sitting at the 19th hole discussing their games
this year when one says to the other, " My game is so bad this
year I had to have my ball retriever regripped !"
You know
you’re a bad golfer if…
You consider a good round one in which you lost only half-a-dozen balls.
More than once, you have attempted to return a club because "somehow it
snapped."
You have old, gnarly golf balls in your bag specifically to be used for
over water shots.
You "prefer" to hit an iron off every tee.
When playing in a club tournament, you get a stroke on EVERY hole.
You can remember the one good shot you had all day.
You are told "you’re still away" more than twice on the same green.
You "crush every shot" at the practice range but can’t get one more than
10 feet off the ground on the course.
You and your group have rules for taking Mulligans.
You have two putters in your bag.
Your playing partners use the term "nice lag" to describe your putts that
never reach the hole.
You blame everything and everyone except yourself for a bad shot.
You get excited over a deep ball mark created in the green by your
approach shot.
You feel an undue amount of pressure when teeing off with people watching
and always end up hitting a bad shot.
You constantly leave yourself further from the hole after a chip shot.
You have thought to yourself that if you hole out from 140 yards, you can
still make bogey.
One fine day, Jim
and Bob are out golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine.
He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in
search of his ball. The brush is quite thick, but Jim searches
diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he
realizes that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a
skeleton lying near an old golf ball. Jim calls out to his golfing
partner in excitement, "Hey Bob, come here, I got trouble down here."
Bob comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out, "What's
the matter Jim?" Jim shouts back in a nervous voice, "Throw me my
7-iron! You can't get out of here with an 8-iron."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par-3 the priest
asks, "What are you going to use on this hole my son?" The young man
says, "An 8-iron, father. How about you?" The priest says, "I'm
going to hit a soft seven and pray." The young man hits his 8-iron
and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles
the ball out a few yards. The young man says, "I don't know about you
father, but in my church when we pray, we keep our head down."
-----------------------------------------------------
An American went to Scotland and played golf with a newly acquainted
Scottish golfer. After a bad tee shot, he played a "Mulligan" which was an
extremely good one. He then asked the Scot, "What do you call a Mulligan
in Scotland?" "We call it hitting 3."
----------------------------------------------------
Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5-iron
standing over a lifeless man. The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your
husband?" "Yes" says the woman. "Did you hit him with that
golf club?" "Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club,
and puts her hands on her face. "How many times did you hit him?"
"I don't know, five, six, maybe seven times.....just put me down for a
five.
A woman goes
into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently
deceased husband is published. The obit editor informs
her that there is a charge of 50 cents per word. She pauses, reflects, and
then says well, then, let it read "Bob Smith died." Amused at the
woman's thrift, the editor tells her that there is a seven word minimum
for all obituaries. She thinks it over and in a few seconds says, in
that case, let it read: "Bob Smith died. Golf clubs for sale."
A golfer set up
his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a
clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he
thought he could hit through. Taking out his 3 wood, he took another
mighty swing, the ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead
and killed him. As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter saw
him coming and asked, "Are you a good golfer?" to which the man replied,
"Got here in two, didn't I?"
GOLF
THOUGHTS
I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes they'd come up
sliced. ~Author Unknown
I've spent most of my life golfing .... the rest I've just wasted. ~Author
Unknown
They call it golf because all the other four-letter words were
taken.~Raymond Floyd
My handicap? Woods and irons. ~Chris Codiroli
The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would put a flag
stick on top. ~Pete Dye
Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think
they are out having fun. ~Jim Bishop
I'm hitting the woods just great .... but having a terrible time getting
out of them! ~Author Unknown
I know I am getting better at golf because I'm hitting fewer spectators.
~Gerald Ford
It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. I did
it in one afternoon on the golf course. ~Hank Aaron
Golf is a game in which you yell "fore," shoot six,and write down five.
~Paul Harvey
The game of golf would lose a great deal if croquet mallets and billiard
cues were allowed on the putting green. ~Ernest Hemingway
Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep
the clubs and the fresh air. ~Jack Benny
Have you ever noticed what golf spells backwards?~Al Boliska
The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course. ~Billy
Graham
Reverse every natural instinct and do the opposite of what you are
inclined to do, and you will probably come very close to having a perfect
golf swing. ~Ben Hogan
Go play golf. Go to the golf course. Hit the ball. Find the ball. Repeat
until the ball is in the hole. Have fun. The end. ~Chuck Hogan
If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf
ball. ~Jack Lemmon
I play in the low 80s. If it's any hotter than that, I won't play.~Joe E.
Lewis
It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are
still rolling. ~Mark Twain
Don't play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty. ~Harry Vardon
Golf is a game in which one endeavors to control a ball with implements
ill adapted for the purpose. ~Woodrow Wilson
A golfer's diet: live on greens as much as possible.~Author Unknown
Gone golfin' ... be back dark thirty. ~Author Unknown
Born to golf. Forced to work. ~Author Unknown
My body is here, but my mind has already teed off.~Author Unknown
Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at them.
~Jimmy DeMaret
May thy ball lie in green pastures .... and not in still waters.~Author
Unknown
If I hit it right, it's a slice. If I hit it left, it's a hook. If I hit
it straight, it's a miracle. ~Author Unknown
The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can't improve
your lie. ~George Deukmejian
Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a
bagpipe. ~Author Unknown
DAVE STOCKTON,
complaining of the difficulty of playing Poppy Hills Golf Course in Pebble
Beach, California, was heard to say, "Even the men's room has a double
dogleg."
The Bum
A bum, who
obviously has seen more than his share of hard times approaches a well
dressed gentleman on the street. "Hey, buddy, can you spare two dollars?"
The well-dressed gentleman responds: "You are not going to spend it on
liquor are you?"
"No, sir, I don't drink," retorts the bum.
"You are not going to throw it away in some card game, are you?" asks the
gentleman.
"No way, I don't gamble," answers the bum.
"You wouldn't waste the money at a golf course for greens fees, would
you?" asks the man.
"Never," says the bum, "I don't play golf."
The man asks the bum if he would like to come home with him for a home
cooked meal.
The bum accepts eagerly. While they are heading for the man's house, the
bum's curiosity gets the better of him. "Isn't your wife going to be angry
when she sees a guy like me at your table?"
"Probably," says the man, "but it will be worth it. I want her to
see what happens to a guy who doesn't drink, gamble or play golf."
Rick Reilly on
golf...
You know what I'm
sick of? Preposition golf. I'm talking about all these courses with
prepositions in their names -- The Experience at Marina Meadows, or The
Challenge at the Peaks of Del Frisco. And the more e's in the name, the
more it costs you.
Play a round at The Linkes at Olde Harbour Centre, and you're in for $200,
easy. As if the names have anything to do with the courses. "Have you
gents ever enjoyed The Tradition at Elk Crossing before?" the
phony-grinned "director of golf" will ask you while he's dinging your AmEx
for $175. "No, pal, we haven't," you want to say. "And I'll bet a week's
pay we don't enjoy any elk out there, either. Unless the Wal-Mart next
door sent them over."
I just wish they'd call some of these courses what they really are. The
Lakes at the Landfill. The Fumes of Toxic Acres. VISA Experience at
Overmowed Pasture. It's all so precious. You drive up to a Preposition,
and 12 guys in matching plus fours descend on your car like Bombay street
urchins, whisking your bag out of your trunk before you can get your shoes
out. Next time you see the bag, it's got a pewter tag that's slightly
larger than an oxen yoke and can't be removed with an acetylene torch.
You get in a cart that's complete with a water mister, mango-scented
towels, personal rake, Italian ball-marking coins, global positioning
system and a video on which Arnold Palmer suddenly pops up, saying, "On
this hole you'll want to hit a 220-yard high fade over the pond, but be
sure to get it on the fourth level to give yourself a chance at a birdie."
Yeah, Arnie, like if I hit a 220-yard shot over agua, I'm going to be
pissed I'm not on the right green level.
But you don't get to play golf yet. First comes the 20-minute lecture from
a "course host," who used to be just a marshal before Conglommo Golf
bought the joint and started throwing prepositions around. He's always in
plus fours and a headset and thinks he's Barney Fife. "Gentlemen, here at
Bent Pine Ridge at Pelican Sanctuary we have some very strict guidelines
for you to follow."
One is, Don't even think about taking the carts off the cement path,
because if you do, you will be shot by one of the course hosts. Which is
another way of saying, "Enjoy your six-hour round, folks."
Then out comes another Plus Four who takes pictures of your group and will
have them all laid out for you in a leatherette album when you make the
turn. It'll be only $45 a photo, and why not have your first divot framed,
too? You want to scream, "We really just want to play golf, not buy time
shares in the Swiss Alps!"
Every now and then the "mobile refreshment center" will drive up, and
you'll have to pay $6 for a single "malted beverage," and the "mobile
refreshment hostess" will look like you shot her kitten if she doesn't get
to keep the $4 change.
The malted beverage will make you have to visit one of the "comfort
stations" that are usually miles from the nearest "teeing ground." And
there aren't just three teeing grounds anymore, there are six, so that the
average chop feels like a florist if he doesn't play from the "bronze"
tees, even though the course plays 2,000 yards longer than he can "enjoy."
Every tee shot is a 230-yard carry over absolutely off-limits "native
grasslands," which means even if you see your $6 Titleist sitting in
there, you can't step three feet in to get the ball. If you had this kind
of native grasslands in your front yard, the neighbors would be leaving
notes wondering if you'd like to borrow their Weed Whacker.
The front nine is longer than the March of Dimes, and at the turn a Martha
Stewart picnic breaks out, in which you end up with an arugula sandwich, a
bag of organic beet chips and a $4 iced tea in a bottle designed by I.M.
Pei.
And you always end up shooting a radio station -- a KOOL 105 or a WAVE 102
-- and lose four sleeves and have to tip $5 to each of the plus-four
urchins who clean your clubs, which only hacks you off worse because you
know you never hit any of your freaking shots on the club face anyway.
As you leave, it's everything you can do to keep from flooring your 1984
Taurus through the wooden security arm, across the 2nd and 11th fairways,
spinning doughnuts on the 18th green and racing past the director of golf,
screaming, "Enjoy that!"
Issue date: June 24, 2002
Taking Aim
A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up,
looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and
speed... driving his partner nuts.
Finally his exasperated partner says, 'What the hell is taking so long?
Hit the damned
ball!'
The guy answers, 'My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse.
I want to make this a perfect shot.'
'Give me a break! You don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting
her from here.'
A fellow goes into
a golf shop in Scotland where he sees a number of unique clubhead covers,
the most unusual one designed to look like the head of a rat. He takes it
to the shop owner and asks how much.
"Well, laddy," the old gent replies, "the clubhead cover'll be ten dollars
American, but for a thousand more you get to hear the grand story behind
it."
"Here's the ten," the man replies. "I'll take the cover, you can keep the
story."
The next day, on the links of St. Andrews, the man is walking down a
fairway beside a road. Suddenly, several rats scurry out of the sewers and
start to follow him. He begins to run, but rats keep appearing from
everywhere, from the sewers and from the fairway creek.
He is almost exhausted and is totally out of breath when he reaches the
cliffs overlooking the sea. Intuitively, he rips the clubhead cover from
his driver and heaves it into the sea. The rats follow it into the water
where
they drown in the foamy brine.
Upon leaving the course, the man returns immediately to the little golf
shop. The old Scotsman sees him and with a sly smile says, "Aye
laddy, and I'd be suspectin' that you came back for the story, eh?"
"Well actually," the man replies, "I was hoping you had a clubhead cover
shaped like an attorney."
A retiree was given a set of golf
clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local
pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatsoever of the game.
The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, "Just hit the ball
toward the flag on the first green."
The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto
the green, where it stopped inches from the hole.
"Now what?" the fellow asked the speechless pro.
"Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup," the pro finally
managed to speak.
"Oh great!" said the beginner in a disgusted tone, "NOW you tell me."
TOP TEN CADDY COMMENTS
#10 Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"
#9 Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."
#8 Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."
#7 Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."
#6 Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."
#5 Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of
a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."
#4 Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."
#3 Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."
#2 Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."
#1 Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."
SIGN POSTED AT LOCAL GOLF COURSE:
1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.
2. FORM A LOSE GRIP
3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN
4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING
5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER
6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE
7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, PLEASE LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.
8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS
9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING TO GO
10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES
VERY GOOD. NOW FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF
The Laws Of Golf
LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come.
This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural
tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and,
eventually, a lifetime.
LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be
followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of
the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.
LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are
water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known
fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to
water.
LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does,
the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer
to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked
up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.
LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself
as an instructor.
LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate
golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.
LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.
LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.
LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works
against you?
LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the
clubhouse.
LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone
in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of
a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an
IRS agent -- or some similar combination.
LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.
LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another,
particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law three).
LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly,
"tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."
LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one
who beats you.
LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your
score to what it really should be.
LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the
sunset.
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